Every time I go to see a film, upon departing from the theater, I’m reminded how infinitesimally small I truly am in the grand scheme of things. From the moment my rebellious grub-ass reclines back into that chair and sticks my feet on the chair in front of me, I become hyper-aware of how minuscule my thoughts, opinions and beliefs are rendered to societal eye. Copious amounts of doubt begin to flood the cerebrum, rushing with an unremitting current that stops for nothing or no one. Without fail this lack of conviction, quandary and other various inadequacies or substandard ingredients really lodge themselves comfortably in all the cracks and crevices underneath this thick skull. Voids, if you will, that one could assume were left vacant for potentialities, are now occupied with mediocrity and self-loathing.

You know what the most heart-wrenching part about this entire thing is? I’m not alone in experiencing any of this. Millions of people go to bed feeling grossly unsatisfied with themselves, and I think there’s something horribly wrong with that.

But what do I know, right? I’m just some girl on Tumblr.

While I do well with maintaining a quiescent demeanor, the outlying resistance filter is beginning to deteriorate before my very eyes. There’s only so much that “filter” can sustain adequately, before the mental hardware begins to weaken and ceases to function appropriately. A corroded mind is not something I’m proud of.

When an adversary is persistent
with impromptu responses that are a bit cavalier or malicious, do not dignify their words by reciprocating the distasteful allegations. This not only grants, but shamelessly confirms their situated authority over easily manipulated emotions. But rather, embrace it. Ration with it. Transform it. And do so with discretion and humility, of course. Inhale and remember you have control over the entire discrepancy. But only if you’re cordial.

What ever karmic discourse that chooses to follow, will insure that you are well-endowed with whatever it is that you seek.

You are your problem, but you are also your solution. Have a calm day, humans.

If there’s any particular lesson that life has forced me [personally] to learn and humbly accept, is that you can’t ask someone to uproot their entire life, just so that you may proceed with your own. You can stomp, whine or beg all you want, but you cannot alter a person’s heart condition.

Purchased a giant eraser at the dollar store today. On top of the eraser, there was a stamp in capitalized, bold-faced letters that read, “FOR BIG MISTAKES”. Immediately upon viewing it at the store, I knew precisely what I’d use it for. I purchased the eraser, along with a bag of Hershey’s Kisses. I intend to remove one Kiss from the bag, partner it with the eraser, and finally pay a visit to a… very dear friend. Bestow my simplistic gift upon him, with the most forlorn, convincing puppy-dog eyes. This is the same individual mentioned in the post prior to this one.

Mind you, he’s a penchant for little witty gestures such as this. It’ll force a smile out of him, at the very least. Graciously providing me with opportunity to engage in peculiar conversation. Deviating from the usual and mindless, “Hi, how are things?” mer, mer, mer.

In other news, today was quite a success. I accomplished a terrific amount of work, and I laughed an overwhelming amount. Can’t really complain, can I?

Sounds so damn generic, but I’d be telling a bold-faced lie if I said that I was “over” you. Days pass, weeks escape me, and yet I remain bitingly cynical. The anguish may have subsided, but if any, in only minute amounts.

Perhaps it’d be a much less difficult task to execute, “letting go”, if you didn’t persist with leaving subtle traces of hope all over the damn place. To willfully indoctrinate that degree of expectancy and desire into a person, and then fail to bridge those connections yourself, could be rendered almost lethal. To some, anyway. While others succumb to the unrelenting static of astringent enmity, they harden and develop an eternally-harbored contempt. At exceptional volumes, the resentment is ever-ringing in their ears. A hate so strongly audible, it becomes deafening. Reminding them exactly what it feels like to have the stark breath realism blown into them. Permeating every inch of their treacherous souls, writhing at night and longing for an exception. While critically wounded, they tirelessly search for loopholes. Avenues to pursue that will properly guide them to this one individual.

Perhaps I’m on the fence. I’m not sure where my residence lies anymore. All I know is simply that I wish to be the breath that inhabits your lungs. Even the most aesthetically pleasing male could not captivate me as you do daily.

Whatever

Ganja train has departed. Commencing food-raid sequence in 3, 2, 1—Go!

Was able to retrieve toast, raspberries, cheese, pickles and Tim Horton’s cafe mocha. Fuq ya, toast is so good, man. Sitting in my room consuming these items, speaking to my dog and cat about space time geometry. They’re quite intrigued, to my astonishment.

Regrettably, the veil of an inebriating herb only temporarily disengages the somber thoughts that currently reside within. It’s one of those things that you try to encourage to promptly leave your mind, dwindling about often to your unknowing as long as it’s elsewhere, but it’s still subconsciously present within the walls of your treacherous mind. Either that or it does in fact leave, but hastily returns with a poisonous vengeance.

Sinking into a separate realm of existence and enjoying some OG kush, raspberries, and Criminal Minds. In more recent episodes, when Matthew Gruber is sporting a longer hairstyle, he looks vaguely similar to a gentleman that recently accommodated me with a pragmatical grasp on what unrequited love truly means. In other words, the fucker broke my heart. Despite the astute manifestation of mortifying agony, I still render him a fantastic human. As miserable as I am, I enjoy this. A humble reminder how phenomenal it is to experience emotion. Morbid ecstasy making today palpable.

Trying to relieve my mind of problematic scenarios, but in the process, more have been created. A vicious circle with seemingly no escape. Cyclic thoughts like these will pose as a major hindrance to my being if they persist. They’re disdainfully strong, these thoughts. Difficult to produce a solution at the moment.

Perhaps tea will calm the nerves.

Feeling rather melancholy lately. Over trivial bullshit, too. It’s been rather taxing on my mind, heart and soul.

But then I’m reminded that life isn’t so bad when you’re showered with an overabundance of authentic love from people that are solicitous about your welfare—your happiness. The people that experience you in a raw state; the true you. In essence, they do know the authentic self. These people experience you on a daily basis; colleagues, coworkers, family. Whether it be on a subconscious level or directly the opposite, they are the ones that can intuitively apprehend you with certainty. Something as subtle as an excited embrace from an acquaintance, whose squinted eyes and massive grin unveil the iridescence of the heart. Moments that are forgotten and rendered as futile or detrimental to one’s day, are the ones that ought to be harbored and appreciated. Receiving that feverish hug made me come to a critical realization: She had more conviction in that single physical act, than I have… in my entire being.

With that in mind, I’m going to correct a few thought processes. Don’t overlook the people that truly love you.

A smug attitude will advance you to a state of bitter solitude, which you will come to regret, I assure you.

However, a particular kind of contentment will thoroughly imbue your mind if you pursue a life of quarantine. For the correct reasons, of course. I’m quite happy being alone, at the moment. My time seems to be well-endowed and leveraged in ways that are beneficial to me and close kin. I very much enjoy the sort of isolation I’m experiencing, make no doubt about it.

I always keep this in mind: broad and spacious is the road leading off into destruction; a complete catastrophe. Though a path leading to everlasting wisdom, contentment and fertile happiness seems to be narrow, jagged and possessing only a few occupants or wanderers, if you will.

Pardon my profanity, but fuck social acceptance. I feel that I’ve mentioned it before, but where is everyone’s god damn sense of adventure? Do not subject yourself to conformity. Create your own path, you won’t regret your findings.

Semper fi

Attractive male existing in my bed. To my astonishment, nothing -scandalous- has happened.

But since it hasn’t, I kind of want it to. O_O

Meanwhile, I’m out being a good house bunny purchasing necessary ingredients to make oatmeal pancakes. My family is completely unaware of his existence in my abode.

This shall be interesting.

I think it’s okay to expel delicate sobs on occasion. What concerns me, however, is the initial cause. I’m unable to determine what in particular is moving me to silently weep.

I wish to retire this evening, and nothing beyond that. Though reality’s weakening obligations await me like a mistress in the midnight hour. And they will not sanction my departure from these assignments until, of course, they’ve reached completion. Only then will I be dismissed.

That’s being human, I suppose.

What the f…rench toast, man.

Absolutely enraged. What am I going to do? Blog furiously.

We’re all dwelling in the same physical realm; forced to succumb to decay, age and death. However I do feel a though I, as well as many others, exist subjectively. And that will extend beyond the borders of a physical lifespan.

We’re eternally fleeting. Glitches. Fragmented. There’s no way to evade such a reality, is there?

My plans for this evening were saturated fully with disappointment. Why should I ever expect anything more?

Have an extraordinary evening, friends. Stay warm, stay safe.

Semper fi