My rare and precious mental faculties are called into question when I unknowingly walk up the stairs with a loaf of bread in my hand. I turned around, 3/4 of the way up the stairs, realizing I had a fucking loaf of bread in my hands. I believe it’s safe to officially say my sanity is currently compromised.

Perhaps I left my brain in the Land of the Lost, Neverland, Wonderland or Narnia. Or maybe it was equally sectioned into quarters and I left a piece in each respective place. Would you believe that’s not the worst of it? The most dreadful fact concerning all of this is that I’m truthfully reciting all of this in my head in Kronk’s voice from The Emperor’s New Groove.

I do believe it’s time to retire.

I continuously tell myself, “Alright, Paige… Bed in a half hour. Do it you traitorous swine.”. A half hour passes by, I’m still bumbling about. I’m not occupying my time with anything of particular significance, either. Simply existing in a chair, which resides in a suburban home, on a relatively boring street.

Re-reading that last sentence in my head makes me feel like Dr. Seuss. In other words, time to officially retire. I’m already experiencing long intervals of insanity. Considering the many potential health hazards one could succumb to by eating green eggs and ham will send me over the edge.

Signed, your friendly neighborhood cocaine user

Semper fi

PS: For those of you that lack a sense of humor, I’ve never used cocaine.

I regret to inform you all that I won’t be on Tumblr until later this evening. I’ve been selected for sleep study, as well as extensive neuroscience observation. A series of manipulative procedures await my eager soul.

But may my positive energy be transmitted to all of my followers! Have a phenomenal day!

Semper fi