When an adversary is persistent
with impromptu responses that are a bit cavalier or malicious, do not dignify their words by reciprocating the distasteful allegations. This not only grants, but shamelessly confirms their situated authority over easily manipulated emotions. But rather, embrace it. Ration with it. Transform it. And do so with discretion and humility, of course. Inhale and remember you have control over the entire discrepancy. But only if you’re cordial.

What ever karmic discourse that chooses to follow, will insure that you are well-endowed with whatever it is that you seek.

You are your problem, but you are also your solution. Have a calm day, humans.

If there’s any particular lesson that life has forced me [personally] to learn and humbly accept, is that you can’t ask someone to uproot their entire life, just so that you may proceed with your own. You can stomp, whine or beg all you want, but you cannot alter a person’s heart condition.

Mentally exasperated. Physically fatigued.

The only thing my metabolism seems to know how to do is plummet to the earth’s core.  With the very occasional ascension from the trenches, it seems to plateau once it reaches a certain point.  Never substantially increasing, but elevating just enough to barely drag my ass through the day. 

Tomorrow, my Uncle will commence the project to cut a new path into the forest behind our house for the season.  You best believe that upon completion of doing so, I’m hauling my bones out there.  I just want to collapse to the earth, inhale the air, allow the warm breeze to activate my senses, and finally drift into a peaceful hibernation.  Where I can quietly self-loathe, sulk, and silently mourn over the absurd amount of nothingness and the gaping void that exists within.  I’m not even remotely close to finding a solution, and there’s really no particular reason as to why I’m experiencing this.  I just am.

I think I actually want to be alone forever.

Purchased a giant eraser at the dollar store today. On top of the eraser, there was a stamp in capitalized, bold-faced letters that read, “FOR BIG MISTAKES”. Immediately upon viewing it at the store, I knew precisely what I’d use it for. I purchased the eraser, along with a bag of Hershey’s Kisses. I intend to remove one Kiss from the bag, partner it with the eraser, and finally pay a visit to a… very dear friend. Bestow my simplistic gift upon him, with the most forlorn, convincing puppy-dog eyes. This is the same individual mentioned in the post prior to this one.

Mind you, he’s a penchant for little witty gestures such as this. It’ll force a smile out of him, at the very least. Graciously providing me with opportunity to engage in peculiar conversation. Deviating from the usual and mindless, “Hi, how are things?” mer, mer, mer.

In other news, today was quite a success. I accomplished a terrific amount of work, and I laughed an overwhelming amount. Can’t really complain, can I?

Sounds so damn generic, but I’d be telling a bold-faced lie if I said that I was “over” you. Days pass, weeks escape me, and yet I remain bitingly cynical. The anguish may have subsided, but if any, in only minute amounts.

Perhaps it’d be a much less difficult task to execute, “letting go”, if you didn’t persist with leaving subtle traces of hope all over the damn place. To willfully indoctrinate that degree of expectancy and desire into a person, and then fail to bridge those connections yourself, could be rendered almost lethal. To some, anyway. While others succumb to the unrelenting static of astringent enmity, they harden and develop an eternally-harbored contempt. At exceptional volumes, the resentment is ever-ringing in their ears. A hate so strongly audible, it becomes deafening. Reminding them exactly what it feels like to have the stark breath realism blown into them. Permeating every inch of their treacherous souls, writhing at night and longing for an exception. While critically wounded, they tirelessly search for loopholes. Avenues to pursue that will properly guide them to this one individual.

Perhaps I’m on the fence. I’m not sure where my residence lies anymore. All I know is simply that I wish to be the breath that inhabits your lungs. Even the most aesthetically pleasing male could not captivate me as you do daily.

Whatever

Ganja train has departed. Commencing food-raid sequence in 3, 2, 1—Go!

Was able to retrieve toast, raspberries, cheese, pickles and Tim Horton’s cafe mocha. Fuq ya, toast is so good, man. Sitting in my room consuming these items, speaking to my dog and cat about space time geometry. They’re quite intrigued, to my astonishment.

Regrettably, the veil of an inebriating herb only temporarily disengages the somber thoughts that currently reside within. It’s one of those things that you try to encourage to promptly leave your mind, dwindling about often to your unknowing as long as it’s elsewhere, but it’s still subconsciously present within the walls of your treacherous mind. Either that or it does in fact leave, but hastily returns with a poisonous vengeance.

Sinking into a separate realm of existence and enjoying some OG kush, raspberries, and Criminal Minds. In more recent episodes, when Matthew Gruber is sporting a longer hairstyle, he looks vaguely similar to a gentleman that recently accommodated me with a pragmatical grasp on what unrequited love truly means. In other words, the fucker broke my heart. Despite the astute manifestation of mortifying agony, I still render him a fantastic human. As miserable as I am, I enjoy this. A humble reminder how phenomenal it is to experience emotion. Morbid ecstasy making today palpable.

Angsty Paige is full of angst tonight. Stood up by someone I was really looking forward to spending time with. Beginning to contemplate the possibility of my physical body emitting some sort of toxic aura that denies and prevents connection with other humans. Aside from drugs, (which I’m now heavily considering) there’s really nothing to anesthetize the pain of feeling insufficient in nearly every facet of your life. The pain of fucking existing. Merely existing. I feel as though it’d be more beneficial to communicate to people through a hardly-discernible mask. Anyone worth speaking to is here, on this God-forsaken website; hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

I no longer wish to be readily available to people in my locality. Why should I allow that vulnerability persevere? Not anymore. You can monitor and control the amount of mental pain and anguish you experience, as long as you’re the only source or the one inflicting it. That’s just what I intend to do.

Fuck it.

Trying to relieve my mind of problematic scenarios, but in the process, more have been created. A vicious circle with seemingly no escape. Cyclic thoughts like these will pose as a major hindrance to my being if they persist. They’re disdainfully strong, these thoughts. Difficult to produce a solution at the moment.

Perhaps tea will calm the nerves.

Feeling rather melancholy lately. Over trivial bullshit, too. It’s been rather taxing on my mind, heart and soul.

But then I’m reminded that life isn’t so bad when you’re showered with an overabundance of authentic love from people that are solicitous about your welfare—your happiness. The people that experience you in a raw state; the true you. In essence, they do know the authentic self. These people experience you on a daily basis; colleagues, coworkers, family. Whether it be on a subconscious level or directly the opposite, they are the ones that can intuitively apprehend you with certainty. Something as subtle as an excited embrace from an acquaintance, whose squinted eyes and massive grin unveil the iridescence of the heart. Moments that are forgotten and rendered as futile or detrimental to one’s day, are the ones that ought to be harbored and appreciated. Receiving that feverish hug made me come to a critical realization: She had more conviction in that single physical act, than I have… in my entire being.

With that in mind, I’m going to correct a few thought processes. Don’t overlook the people that truly love you.

If I could eliminate one single bad attribute of mine, it would most certainly be impatience. Of course, there are ways to methodically grow more patient. Though in the meantime, while progressively working toward that goal, I’m still an anxious bitch.

-_-