Angsty Paige is full of angst tonight. Stood up by someone I was really looking forward to spending time with. Beginning to contemplate the possibility of my physical body emitting some sort of toxic aura that denies and prevents connection with other humans. Aside from drugs, (which I’m now heavily considering) there’s really nothing to anesthetize the pain of feeling insufficient in nearly every facet of your life. The pain of fucking existing. Merely existing. I feel as though it’d be more beneficial to communicate to people through a hardly-discernible mask. Anyone worth speaking to is here, on this God-forsaken website; hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

I no longer wish to be readily available to people in my locality. Why should I allow that vulnerability persevere? Not anymore. You can monitor and control the amount of mental pain and anguish you experience, as long as you’re the only source or the one inflicting it. That’s just what I intend to do.

Fuck it.

Trying to relieve my mind of problematic scenarios, but in the process, more have been created. A vicious circle with seemingly no escape. Cyclic thoughts like these will pose as a major hindrance to my being if they persist. They’re disdainfully strong, these thoughts. Difficult to produce a solution at the moment.

Perhaps tea will calm the nerves.